(Jarvis 1) Man, I’m so excited to finally eat here. (Jarvis 2) You’ve never been to Buzz?
It’s the best spot in town. (???) OhH YEAH ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (Jarvis 1) What was that? Was that a catcaller? (???) I can tell you who your crush is
based on the cake you bakeee! :^)))))) (Jarvis 2) Uh…the Yelp reviews
say something about…”quiz callers”? (Waiter Jarvis) What can I get started for you two? (Jarvis 1) Hey, uh, what’s the deal with that guy? (Waiter Jarvis) Oh! [chuckles] The quiz callers? They’re harmless.
Just ignore them and it’ll be fine. I’ll be right back with some waters. (Jarvis 2) *sigh* You excited for
the new season of Stranger Things? (Jarvis 1) Not really, I mean,
how much stranger can things get? (Quiz Caller) Do you know how old the kids
from Stranger Things are?????? Jarvis 2: Did you print those out? Quiz Jarvis: I do. I know :^)c Jarvis 1: What is going on? Jarvis 2: Hey man. We’re trying to have a private conversation here Quiz Jarvis: Are you obsessed with POOP? Waiter Jarvis: Here’s those waters Jarvis 2: Thank god you’re here. Jarvis 1: Hey, yeah, what kind of crazy place is this? Waiter Jarvis: Oh, uh, the quiz callers? They cook all the feed. Jarvis 1: Couldn’t you just? hire regular cooks? Waiter Jarvis: Oh God No! They work for free! *scoffs* Gabe here is just a bored college student.
(just like me) Gabe Jarvis: suuuup Waiter Jarvis: It’s the only way we stay in business. Jarvis 2: Wow. That is upsetting. By the way, didn’t you mean to say they cook all the food? Waiter Jarvis: No, they-they cook all the Buzz Feed™ Jarvis 1: Oh. Quiz Jarvis: HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW The Office??? (subs by PC the Ghøst) Regular Jarvis: Have you heard of buzzfeed.com? I just discovered it It’s this amazing website where you can read the terrifying news of the recent earthquakes in Southern California and also watch the video of Japanese Millennials reviewing instant noodles. So, pretty important stuff. What do these things have in common, you ask? Well, um they’re both popular and BuzzFeed deals exclusively in trending topics so you’re always sure to be bouncing between content that is either completely horrific D: or like oh my god, so cute 😀 But if that’s not fun enough for you, they also have quizzes which are conveniently located next to the news section as those things are of equal importance And boy, are their quizzes life changing. I found out tons of stuff I didn’t know about myself like um uh (yikes) What mood I was in? Never would have known that How many kids I’ll have seems important to know My inner Lacroix flavor It’s dirt.
(i got LaCola) Just kidding. I’m not learning about BuzzFeed for the first time. I’ve known about them for at least a week I feel like my first encounter with BuzzFeed quizzes was in my Facebook feed 10 years ago whenever I needed a break from tending to my farm on Farmville or looking at photos of my friends at parties I wasn’t invited to I can always turn to BuzzFeed to tell me how attractive I am. Turns out I was ugly. *weeps in ugly* But hey, at least I knew what kind of pirate I was. It used to be that the quizzes were very pointless, but they were at least straightforward you know like what’s Harry Potter character are you or whatever but I looked at them recently and now they’re really Weird and Specific. So many of these quizzes now ask you to do some sort of task before they give you information that you probably already know. Shop at Victoria’s Secret and we’ll give you an Ariana Grande song to listen to. What? That’s not a fair trade. I have to go shopping, and you’ll give me ONE Ariana Grande song? First off, it’s gonna take me a while to shop at Victoria’s Secret cuz they have so much variety and an Ariana Grande song is what like three minutes long? Plus I have Spotify. I-I could listen to every Ariana Grande song and I don’t have to leave my apartment. :I I don’t even want anything from Victoria Secret anyway :/ Alright so I gotta choose a bag … i guess this one A bra… Of these options, I guess this one is more of my personality. What am I sleeping in? I like this It’s like cute yet cozy Swimsuit… I guess this one shows off my personality the most. huh. All right, so I got ‘fake smile’ and it costed me a thousand dollars. Another weird thing that BuzzFeed quizzes do is challenge your intelligence We bet you haven’t tried at least half of the cheeses on this list. uh yeah Yeah, you’re probably right BuzzFeed.
There’s a lot of cheeses out there. I don’t know what cheeses you chose. Who’s reading this and is like
No f*cking way. I know EVERY cheese. Who do they think I am? Chuck E. Cheese? By the way, did you know that the E in Chunk E. Cheese stands for entertainment? So, his full name — this is not a joke. His full name is Charles Entertainment Cheese.
(bruh) Plan a movie night and we’ll guess your age with Frightening Accuracy. Ah, I-I don’t want to be frightened, especially about my own age. (faceapp jarvis haunts me)
Imagine if like a friend said this to you Hey man, plan a movie night for us so I can Scare You. No thanks, Devon. All right, okay So first question who’s invited to movie night? Certainly, not Devon. Devon: aw 🙁 Friends, family, significant other… Sports team? Sports team????? For my movie night, I’m inviting my very close friends, the East High Wildcats. Chad: Hey, WHAT TEAM? Jarvis: What team? Wildcats; get your head in the game. Pick some drinks. It’s got to be water. The boys are trying to stay fit for the summer. Pick a romantic movie. I’m gonna have to go with Pride and Prejudice cuz we’re We’re proud and prejudiced against the nerds and theater kids. Pick a comedy also. Pick a horror movie How many movies are we watching during this movie night? What time will you fall asleep? Well, the boys have practice in the morning, so I’m gonna have to go with ten PM. FORTY??? That is frightening. The more I scroll, the worse these quizzes get It’ll be a miracle if we can guess your age based on your dessert preferences. They- they just gave up in the title. We’re probably gonna f*ck this up Here are some questions. If you have a lot of random knowledge, this quiz will be easy for you. Isn’t that true every quiz? woah Nice. But the worst quiz is the one that inspired this very video. I had completely forgotten the BuzzFeed quizzes were a thing until yesterday I was on Twitter and I saw this gem: This yes or no quiz will tell us if you love poo. This is what I knew I had to share with you before I go to VidCon, which is in like nine hours Future Jarvis: Hi, future Jarvis here. I’m back from VidCon. I filmed this video beforehand, and didn’t have any time to edit it So this is me telling you that and just saying thanks to everybody who came out. And I also have a bit of an announcement (it’s merch) we have this guy Roasted In March mugs we have Roasted In March mugs for sale and you can get those at jarvis.clothing
(aka jarvisjohnson.teespring.com) and i’ve also dropped like four new colors for the
Trying My Best shirt, so Check em out. This is an ad. For my own stuff. Back to the video. Present Jarvis: Since i’m leaving so soon, I don’t have a ton of time to make this video, so my apologies if it’s a little… CRAPPY. Anyway, without further aDOODOO, I need you to PLOP DOWN and wipe your desk clean because it’s time for a POOP quiz.
(that was four puns I hate them all.) For those playing along at home, this might be a little tough at first, but don’t you worry because it’ll be a BIG RELIEF when it’s over.
(SHIT that was five puns) All right, so this yes or no quiz will tell us if we love poo or not. Um, I don’t really feel like this needed a quiz and if it did, you would think that it would only be one question. Do you feel sad when you can’t go? Is there another way to feel?? Are people feeling really pumped when they can’t poop??? (children, this is the sound of constipation) (eat ur fiber) *jarvis sighs* Not today. YES!! One of the first things I noticed about this is that it’s written by BuzzFeed staff which raises a few questions but uhm, I know, I know a lot of people who’ve worked at BuzzFeed and everyone’s a great person. So I’m pretty sure that all the people working here are just like having fun. This is probably just like an inside joke so let’s not roast any of the authors of these quizzes. I just wanted to give that disclaimer. We’re just having good clean fun. well, uh I hope it’s clean. Do you ever feel genuinely happy when you have a big poo? Uh Not usually the source of my happiness. I guess I feel relieved? Accomplished? I’m excited that my body’s working as intended. This, also, is the only question that should be in the quiz: Do you ever feel genuinely sad when you DON’T have a good poo? The stock photos are amazing. They found the most random photos of people being upset on the toilet Why do these exist? Why is there a stock photo of a man in business casual attire, holding his face in his hands while on the toilet. These are life’s mysteries. But to answer the question, I don’t feel great when I don’t have a good poo… so I guess the answer is yes? Do you ever look back at who you’ve just done and think wow? What is this…what is this photo??? This isn’t a poo that I would be proud of it all. Turn round and be proud? I feel like I’m being potty trained. Do you ever look back at a poo you’ve just done? (ew no) You’ve just done?? you’ve just done a poo? Are they British? How are you? I’ve just done a poo 😉 Do you often feel– This is the weirdest quiz I’ve ever taken. Do you often feel lighter when you go for a poo? I mean you’re lighter. I don’t always… feel… lighter this is very personal. Doubt I’m thinking about it I guess I’m gonna say yes And by the way, we’re four questions deep on a quiz that should have ended three questions ago Do you ever text or send selfies while you poo? Where are they getting these stock images?? I did a reverse image search of this image and I can I can buy this on stock image websites along with many other Poop related stock photos. The one that we’re looking at is called Smiling young man taking selfie with cell phone while defecating in his bathroom. There’s so many qualifiers and adjectives on this fucking photo. These are all Getty Images I have to assume that when the Getty family immigrated in this country from Northern Ireland, this is not how they imagined their legacy. I think that I should stop browsing the stock photos. Young, dark haired man with handheld game or cell phone sitting on toilet with pants around ankles. I guess their titled like this so that when people are like searching hyper specific phrases they can find stock photos that represent that, but it’s so funny when you read them. The keywords for this photo by the way number one is shit, followed closely by bathroom, poo, selfie, men shit *giggles* I also don’t understand the point of taking a selfie in the bathroom without putting the toilet seat up to your face and pretending you’re on an airplane, but, I’m a simple man. Back to the question at hand: Do you ever text or send selfies while you poo? Those two things are so different Like have I sent a text? Yes. Have I sent a selfie? While on the toilet? Also, yes, but that’s my business. Do you ever announce that you’re going for a shit in front of a group of people? Announce? I am going to shit! Uh no, I usually just say, ‘Excuse me, I’ll be right back’ then run to the restroom, you know That kind of thing. Do you talk to your friends about pooping? No, I can’t say I do. Though, I guess now I am technically talking to a lot of people about pooping so hello friends. How is your digestive health? Let me know in the comments down below. Do you have a daily regimen that you enjoy sticking to and documenting? no, I I don’t have a poop journal if that’s what you’re asking. Also, how many times are you supposed to poop per day? “There is no generally accepted number of times a person should poop. but As a broad rule, pooping anywhere from 3 times a day to 3 times a week is normal”??? That is a very broad range. That means that people are pooping anywhere from 3 to 21 times a week The more you know.★彡 Okay, so we’re finally at the last question. Do you own anything poop themed? Well, i do now own a poop themed YouTube video, so I’m gonna have to go with yes. I don’t love poo. I’m sorry that it has to be announced in such a public way But that’s the truth. I don’t know about you, but the rumors are true: I don’t love poo In fact, I dislike it so much that I excrete it from my body 3 to 21 times a week Well, I’m pooped. So I think I want to stop there. That was fun, I guess But what did we just do here? What did we just doodoo here? Doodoo Here, Clean Up After Yourself Was that a good use of our time? I don’t know I just I just wanted to make a youtube video. I originally wanted to talk about more substance like how BuzzFeed had laid off a bunch of their writing staff and also how half of their quiz traffic came from like one college student last year, but then I just did this so pffffft Thanks to Smriti for sending me a message on Instagram I have no idea if I’m saying that right
(i have no idea if i spelt that right) if you want me to butcher your name Follow me on Instagram and Twitter, please Please? Let me know if the comments in you had fun because sometimes you just have to have fun. Alright, bye.