*grunt* That’s my exercise for the day. I would’ve been tired if this was bigger. For the first time in my life I’m… …I’m trying to healthier I’m trying to get in shape, lose weight. And that’s for two major reasons The first is, a company offered me money. That you document your weight loss, and we’ll pay you. Now, several times in my life have i said to myself “Enough is enough, you should lose some weight now” But if someone’s paying you for it, maybe, it is time. What else if left now? Now, people are paying you, so that you can better yourself. And I should, ‘coz now im not a single entity. Now, i’m affecting the economy. It’s too big a thing now. I personally thought this is embarrassing, so I declined it. Because on a personal level, i thought i should! Because I think I reached a point where I did not just have an upper body and a lower body. I had a middle body also. It got very pronounced when I sat down. You could clearly see the upper body resting on the middle body. It’s like, you know how ice-cream sits on a cone That’s almost the exact shape. There was so much elongation here- Wait, elongation is a 2D word. There was so much 3D elongation here, I remember one day i was sitting and a droplet of sweat from my armpit on to my love handle. And, It did not trail down. It fell directly. And there was this slight sound too *splash* I was like “Fuck, what happened” Then there was this cooled feeling with three blots here. For the first time I have a gap in my tshirt, i mean- My body is not touching the edge of my tshirt. You know, how we sometimes feel an insect got in? So like everyone, I flapped my tshirt. But nothing fell out. And i got shit scared. Because the feeling I had wasn’t a *poking sound* insect It was a *crushing paper sound* insect. I thought to myself that this is something bigger! I flapped the tshirt again, still nothing! And i’m thinking this was for real, i’m not confused. You know what it was? Why is this here! Give me any reason! Why is this here! No, we’ve reached Mars, why can’t we get rid of these? In all clothes! And what are they? A crash course for the laundry guy? To revise it one last time before an exam? Incase they’ve forgotten how to wash clothes? All clothes! The tshirt i was wearing then had 6 pages! 6 pages! Written back and forth! 12 pages of information? Doing *flapping sound* here. 12 page 12 pages is like a manual. I didn’t know I went to buy a tshirt and returned with an iPhone. 12 pages? How dumbproof did you make these? How many precautions did they print? Did they slow it down to:
“shut your eyes, extend forearm, hold the cloth… breathe, now get spiritual..” ? So I got curious and started reading. Turns out, first page, front and back, 15 and 15 in 30 different languages…. 100 % cotton 30 times! And in this 100 and % are mathematical symbols So, all I’m reading now is Kuton, katan, kitien, Kataan And I it doesn’t have English. Yet, I figured this is… …cotton Because I can touch. No one has lost their super-power of touch. Second page, 15 and 15, 30 languages of “Made in Bangladesh” What kind of patriotism is this, that you want sticking on the side here? “That the laundry guy must know… …where it was made!” What does that have to do with them? And, I can’t fathom, how unsure do you have to be as a company that- “As many languages you know, print it in all. Ours get smuggled everywhere. Everywhere. But wherever it reaches, That laundry guy must know! Water to be boiled at 103 degrees.” Else the clothes won’t wash probably! I wear plain black tshirts to all my shows. And here i found, one page only! I’m thinking if this could have been a 1 mark question… And what in here can save my clothes eh? like… I’m gonna read it out to you. (Audience laughs) First is… 100% cotton You gotta say it once. Just in case someone’s worn only football jerseys since childhood. You never know. Possible. Machine Wash Only How can it be ‘only’? It can’t be that after a company’s research the guy goes to his boss and says “Sir we got 300 people to wash with their hands. It just won’t work! We imported laundry guys. Still won’t work. We put it in a machine, done! Don’t know how Sir. We ought to write it Sir” It never happens that the laundry guy gives you all you clothes but one tshirt. “Sir the machine broke down. I saw that note on the side of the tshirt. We really do care about your clothes.” Tumble Dry Low (Audience laughs) If we can’t comprehend this the laundry guy wouldn’t make shit of it. I’ve washed clothes. I don’t know when I Tumbled, Dried or Lowed. I don’t know what actions would translate into this. Warm Iron! Don’t know. Maybe it happened to this guy. He was ironing, and to a bystanding friend he said “One moment, there’s a couple in freezer. Chilled! I’ll put them out for a bit. Let it warm a bit and then we enjoy the ironing” Oh this is my favourite. Do Not Iron on Print. Every clothing. In every clothing! They put it in handkerchiefs. In underwear! You feel an insect crawling in your underwear! And publicly… you can’t even fidget. You’re looking for a bathroom Now, imagine the plight, you find a bathroom, you go there You pull down your pants, pull down your underwear. Fuck! Where’s the insect! No no no no no. I’m 100% sure it was there! Why can’t I find it? There’s like 2-3 holes there, where’d it go? Roaming in the hair, not sure.